Je suis

Hello world.

What kind of world are we living in? I mean I have talked about it before, the whole racism issue, but it seems I have to once again address it. Why? You might think retreating back to an old subject is more or less dull and boring, but infringing on the rights of others due to their skin colour is not as boring as it may at first appear.  And just so you know, I am not actually taking one side or the next in the name of this racism row. It has nothing to do with the white man on black man or vice versa usual nonsense, mine is going up against my brother in Southern Africa, the “Rainbow” nation as they often like to call themselves

Before I get into them, let me start off by putting my hat off to Charlie Hebdo. Well done my friends of French satire. Death is an intriguing subject. But even family reunions of Africans under the sea as they try to find a better life is more fun to see. I mean maybe, I should get someone to do an Al Pacino caricature of your offices. Let us not forget that you were the victims of a hate attack and there you were on your high horses believing you are heads and shoulders above the rest.

Je suis Charlie…forgive my French your arrogant prissy mad men that make fun of death and the fact that African perished in the seas as they tried to come and enjoy the things you ever so gladly flaunt in our faces as awesome beyond awesome.

Away from that…my brothers in South Africa, brothers and sisters, who knows, I mean really. What are you thinking? Just because some man says all these people must go does not mean that you pick up cardboards and clubs to force him out. That is mistaking some important person’s statements to fuel your own personal drive and anger. What cause do you have to beat up fellow Africans? What right do you have to force us out of your country?

None…I tell you none.

It is your home. They are your jobs and best case scenario you must fill those vacancies. But let us be honest. Your youth sit on their arses many a day waiting for the next lucky break instead of working towards it (and honestly that is a problem on the entire continent); you’re more interested in placing the “bazungu” at another level. I thought they too were foreigners, but we did not see any of them getting caned or kicked on the head.

Then again, you are the most forgetful nation in this world. When the yoke of apartheid filled your nation, who cried with you? When the white men you still pay too much respect if you ask me, beat the shit out of you, who took you in and cleaned your wounds? It was Africa. It was all of us that you want out of your country.

Xenophobia looks good for you now that you think we want your nation. No. We have our own motherlands. We just want to explore and since South Africa is part of this continent why not start from there? Why go to places like Europe where we shall be Charlie Hebdo’d for trying to explore, albeit illegally…but oh well, what can I say but job well done. You have made many fellow Africans weary of your hospitality.

By the time comments like, “we should kill those sobs too,” came out…you know what I mean.

But unlike you South Africa we shall kill others because of race. We are one world, with one love and so many colours; even the South African colour of violence and hatred.

Until next time, Je suis Charlie and South Africa,

I remain your dream chasing nerd…

The Big Yellow Man

Honestly this has gone on for too long. There is one yellow stupid network in Uganda, and by yellow I do not mean the colour of the ruling government here in Uganda, at least they are not stupid. I am talking about MTN…the assholes who think they own Uganda. I have noticed that over the past two months, there never goes a week where they are not having some shit problem. This network in my opinion has become too big for its own good here in Uganda.

Network failure after network failure. I live in Entebbe at the moment, but really, what the fucking hell. Entebbe is just a stone’s throw away from Kampala, so the network should be clear. The words “Out of Service Area” should not exist. But they do. With MTN, every single bad thing exists. Trust me if I had a chance, I would give them back their taxes and throw them out of Uganda for good, the bloody idiots.

First off let me relate them to that once attractive young man that is now a balding, fat bellied man closing in on his fifties. I mean any one here in Uganda, and Africa to be exact (well let me not say Africa, it could just be Uganda) knows that MTN is more interested in the money now than actually caring for its customers.

Where does the comparison come in?

Well the fat old man was once attractive; tall, lean and always smiling. He was eager to please his partner. He was always looking for a way to ensure that she was happy. He bought her flowers. He took her to simple nice dates. He spent all he could, interested only in giving her heaven on earth. As he stayed with her and got a better job and was able to give her the finer things in life, he let himself go. He became arrogant, full of money and unfit. He for lack of a better word becomes a certified grade A asshole.

For so many times his partner is interested in throwing in the towel, but the memories and those few good things that actually come from Mr. Asshole. But at the back of her mind, she knows that all it will take is one final straw, and when it comes, the partner is never happier than before. She takes it and runs leaving the fool to enjoy his money while losing a lot of other things.

That is MTN Uganda today. They might say I am defaming them. But I can tell you that everyone and I mean every single one of their users has the damn line for mobile money. But I know more than ten people whose phones either got stolen or spoilt that gladly went to other networks such as Airtel, Vodafone, UTL and even the much maligned Africell.

Why?

These networks unlike the big yellow machine, are happy to please the customer who in this case is the wife or partner. What MTN does not realise by becoming the worst network in Uganda is that it gives more people reason to throw away their numbers. I mean it is so easy for me to throw away my MTN line and get another line. After all, the numbers are saved on my phone and people will get used to the new numbers.

They better style up and I hope they read this, the fucking leeches, good for nothing scam.

Until next time, I remain the dream chasing nerd who hates MTN with a white hot passion.

PS: I have nothing against the people who work for them.

The Meaning of Love

Long live the heart, long live the soul that knows what it wants. That piece you can't find, that part is a whole and it never lets go. Those lyrics are from Needtobreaths's awesome song The Heart. I might be a little late on this boat, but the song is damn amazing. This song has awesome meaning to it. And if you are soe one who has the creeping fear of being stabbed and abused by numerous people out there, it helps build your fortitude. 

At some point in life you realise that you have to let it all out though. Personal experience has taught me that the one thing that will happen to you in this world is to be stabbed in the back. being abandoned by people is part of life. Afterall, we enter this world alone and we leave it alone. But there is ajourney and we all need help when it comes to this journey called life. That is why we tend to open ourselves up to others.

When you give your heart out to people, you often give a piece of yourself to them. Be it a lover, friend, ally, acquintance, brother or sister, there is is a piece of you you're giving away. When people turn round and stab you in the back, it is easy to find yurself feeling a longing ache deep down. Some of us recover, but in the recovery, you come back more as a dead person. You see for every hurt, you become stronger, but you also die a little more.

People do not see it. Most times, even you do not see it. You feel it in the pit of your chest and just think, it is the bloody pain of that moment. You tend to go into the 'Fuck It' phase of life. But when you come out of it, you are different. Most people do not realise that you are different. You see things in different lights. Your smile does not touch your eyes as much as it used to. Worst of all, some walls start to hold you back even when you want to go out.

This is all mindless chatter if you're readng, but anyway, what is love, if it leads us down this particular road? What is the true meaning of love, if the whole journey is wrought with pain and longing?

What is love?

I cannot answer that question for you. The shrink is the last person to also answer that question for you. In truth no one can answer that question because love is everywhere. Everyone is capable of love. Even your worst enemy is capable of love. Love is not easy. Love is fights, love is tears, love is smiles, love is frowns, love above everything else, love is hope.

It is hope that you will find someone out there who will accept your soul as it is. You will find that love is something that gets you to think of more than just yourself. It will eat away the selfishness. Your sadness will matter little. Your happiness will no longer come from just you. Your tears will be shed over something out of your control. Love is what makes you see beyond the walls you find yourself caged in. That is what I have learnt.

Even when you are hurting because of love, it will still hold you close. When you find that the through your tears, the love still burns, then you have your answer. You will have your winter in the scorching deserts, your spring of life when everything else is gone. 

And to people that say that love has no jealousy...really, if you have love and never get jealous, you're in for trouble because that means you have yet to find it. 

Until the next time, your dream chasing young man awaits your eyes.

The Shout for Seperation

Yesterday they voted. Today they decided. I woke up today with a slight feeling of trepidation that United Kingdom will not be United Kingdom anymore. It is safe to say I was wrong. I was worried that the first minister, Alex Salmond had done the unthinkable, caused a separation of the old, tried and tested sense of family. But I am glad I was wrong. I am among those people (banks, politicians, international business and the 'silent majority') that are beyond glad that this debacle is behind us. (For now, I know that this is far from over)

You might be wondering what an African, one in a dusty city such as Kampala is doing thinking about an election that happened all the way across two continents and a sea. But let me tell you I have always had a keen eye for certain things. Some people call me a bloody observant and ugly little shit for knowing certain things. Mind you, I am the first to admit when I do not know something (as long as it is not frightening).

Anyhow, back to the matter at hand, Scotland voting. I am glad they vted no. Not because it affects me, but because like Gordon Brown said, there is no turning back. You see the United Kingdom is like a house full of kids. You have England, the snobbish over-the-top and over bearing eldest sibling that wants everything nice and clean. Then you have Wales, the second born child that is slightly envious of child one and eager to show him up in whatever event. And of course there is Scotland, the rebel in the group. he wants things his way and hungers for all the attention in the world. The last child is the silent child, the youngest darling of the lot, who is treasured but not treasured, Northern Ireland.

You see the beauty about family in all cases, is that family will annoy you, pester you, freak you out and at one point or another remove those walls of self righteousness that you have erected (Hello England before yesterday's vote) Family has the ability to arouse your deepest passions and desires to the world (cue in the Scots) In some instances, family has a way of shutting you up and drowning your voice among the gnarling crowd of demands (Raise your hand little child, Northern Ireland) and in some cases, usually the most, family has the ability to force you into fierce competition (Wales, always out for English blood)

But one thing remains, family bonds despite all the hardships and bad news, is unbreakable. Even when you are at odds and vow never to talk to one another, you will sit down on the table and talk like a bunch of uncaring fools.

The Value of Life

It has been ages since I pestered you with my rumblings. There is no excuse for leaving you to fester and even possibly forget about me. But in three simple words...I AM SORRY. But nonetheless thank you for daring to look into the mind that is fragile and wondering.

Life. It is something that we all take for granted. It is something that we all seem to not care about. Every morning you see people drag themselves from their beds out into the world to do whatever it is that they do. You see them trying to mask their anger at life with simple smiles and phrases. (Keep in mind what the late robin Williams said about a smile being a mask)

Anyway, just this ugly Wednesday morning I found myself on the highway, driving to work. It was still dark and the sun was yet to come out, but I can tell you it felt like all of us were in a Need for Speed game. So while overtaking a line of five cars, I saw a puppy up ahead. And yes I tried to slow down to avoid it, but it was just my luck. I could not dodge the little innocent creature.

The moment my car went bump and I realised what I had just done, my heart clenched and a feeling of dread and sorrow washed over me. I can tell you for a fact that I actually slowed down as I felt angry with myself. I felt like a worthless person. I wished I could change time. I wished I could have waited to overtake the other cars, but alas! I could not. Even up to now, I am feeling remorseful.

You might be thinking it is only a puppy. But yes a puppy is a creature whose life is barely beginning. It is a little creature whose worth was yet to be defined, but its worth was clearly defined to me. By the time I feel so down on myself, just know that the creature is worth more than even gold.

So that brings up the point of soldiers and killers. How the hell do they do it? How in the world do they just aim shoot and kill without batting an eyelid. Is that even possible? Maybe, I am just a simple civilian but I want to know. Do they suffer with the dread and remorse that I am suffering from? Do they even wish they could go back and change it? How the hell do they handle the anguish of taking life away?

So this is my eulogy to that puppy. This is my plea; my apology to its soul up there in the heavens. This is me wishing that I had not taken its life because every life is valuable. Every single life on this earth is valuable until it proves not to be.

And to you people that think otherwise, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Until I see you next time, I remain the dream chaser.

What The Hell is it Today?

Hello people of the world. It has been long since I last checked in to bother you lot with my mindless chatter of the world. To those that are angry, I am really sorry. To those that are pleasantly surprised, please come again and to all of you, I beg to ask a question;

What is sex? Virgin or not you have an answer somewhere in your mind about sex.

Sex is whether you are a man or a woman. That is what my grandmother would love to believe. You see, I know that my grandmother is from the generation where making love/coitus was a thing between man and woman who were actually wedded. To them, if you were asked what is sex? It simply meant are you a man are you a woman. That I believe is what jaja’s generation was told by their teachers.

But who am I kidding. Sex has always been sex. In the eyes of the old people, ancients long past and immoral tads that roam the world today, sex is just sex. But of course there are some romantics such as myself (or so I would like to think on occasion) that believe it should be an act between two willing and consenting adults with more of a connection other than spending a night together doing nothing but drinking in some bar either for pity’s sake or for celebration (take your pick if you have been somewhere in there before).

Before I go very far, let me tell you all that in my eyes, the world of today has ruined sex beyond recognition. I mean in the past, boys could not wait to become men just so as to get married and make endless love (sex) to their wife. In some cases they could sharpen their skills in the brothels of their towns, villages and cities. It was a thing that you looked forward to.

As for the women, it was the path to womanhood. True, most were tender innocent infants the first time, but they too were curious about it (Disclaimer here, I am a son of the 90’s so this is an assumption.). On that rare occasion they would go for the forbidden with the castle hand, kitchen boy, herd’s man or some other fellow in there. Sex was sacred. It was something you really longed for, not because it was everywhere, but because you were just growing up.

But hey…thanks to the media of today and over liberalization of the world (thank you bloody land of the free), sex is blown out of proportion. There is too much sex round the youngsters of the world. Everywhere you look is screaming sex. The billboards, the tabloids, the role models such as those shits that call themselves celebrities (Uganda’s case Juliana K…); sex is out there. It is like they are screaming at us that sex is here to stay. Well God created man and woman for the purpose of sex (no offence it just is). But the fucking world is building castles in the skies about the entire act. The world needs to get the dyke back up and stop being a wanton sex advert every now and then.

Kids go into the stupid decision of having sex and their dreams are shattered. The illusion that it is a really awesome thing is smashed into smithereens. People sex is not all that the world is making it out to be. Nine times out of ten there is no special bond or connection when it comes to it, hence a crap load of lousy.

In truth I envy the virgins. Honestly, there is nothing that you are missing. I would tell you to wait until that moment when it feels right and you are sure that arse you’re letting bang you (women) or that minx you are going to screw (men) is the one you are going to be with and continue to work on making the shattered dream into a reassembled piece of art with very many crack lines.

Sex has turned into something wrong and we need to work on it but that is not my role. That is up to the world. We need to stand up and say enough is enough. It is like each coming generation is worse than the one before and this has to stop. We need to find the old ways and insert them in the new world. Just my thought…  

If I have offended anyone, it was not my intention. I am sorry. Until the next time, I remain your dream chasing four-eyed young chap…

The Great Strength in Fear

Hello,

Hi,

First off, I would like to apologize for the gravest of sins. For starters, I have not been posting on the monthly basis which I had fallen into. Last I checked, I posted on 19 July...two whole freaking months from sometime this week. Wow...what an arse I have been...what an unthoughtful idiot I have been to those that on occasion check out my blog and read the insane or sane (that is rather up to you to decide) rumblings of a young man.

Secondly, I would like to welcome you to my rumbling for the month, day, week...whatever you would like to think of. I know that it takes time to read something on the internet and for you to go beyond this point is really touching (I am not being sarcastic for you damn pessimists). I am being totally honest man.

And now.....

In my writing career, young as it may seem, I have discovered that it takes more than a few blows below the belt to jolt you into action. I have been writing since I can remember...some of my first stories had knights in golden armor called Samuel...who were kings of Fantasy realms, others had Phillip Connor, the boy wizard I thought Harry should have been at my tender age of 10 (sorry Ms. Rowling, your writing affected us youngsters so), a few had vampires and werewolves tearing themselves apart (I am not ashamed to say I started reading Anne Rice at 11). Trust me I read a lot and wrote a lot.

But as I have become older and less picky on my reading material, I have realized that most heroes in the great books are afraid of something. How the fuck else do you become great? You must fear to lose something...maybe even someone...for you to find great strength. It is easy to turn that unusual fear of what might be into a strength.

Let me use a few characters in some of my favorite fantasy works, now and then. King Arthur was afraid of letting down his honor and heritage, hence the great myth or fact that is one of the most notable scions of chivalry (even in this world if today where it is seemingly dead). Aragorn, King Elessar Telecontar of the reunited kingdoms of Arnor and Gondor, was afraid of failing his people. He was afraid of losing his queen to be, Evenstar and most of all he was afraid of his friends failing to destroy the one ring (my precious).

But the obscure ranger from the north picked up the shards of Narsil reforged in Anduril and led the west into battle in hope of his friend Frodo succeeding. We all know he found the strength and became the first king of the reunited realms.

Another hero, many might disagree (A Song of Ice and Fire fans that is), the kingslayer, Jamie Lannister, found strength in his fear of what people really thought of him. In my understanding the queen's lover was frightened to the point that he actually took a beating every day from a silent man to become a better swords man and in all a better man. Some might say the fear and lingering feeling of attraction to Brienne of Tarth caused that but it was all fear.

Let me use someone I am familiar with as I created him, Aravoen Elurin. He is the last with the true royal blood of the Easel and he spends a lot of time hiding. True, he knows that he might have a destiny greater than any but he is afraid to embrace it. He is afraid to fail, after-all, his forefathers remained hidden princes. They could have become great lords like him. Somehow he finds strength in the fear of failing to take up a task many would dim stupid and suicidal but he does take it up.

What I am trying to say is; We are all afraid. We are all allowed that one moment of cowering in our panties and shit...but we are all given the right to let that fear drive us. No great man was never afraid. Just look at the greats...take your pick...some did not believe in the fear or so they told us but I am sure when defeat and potential failure stares you straight in the face, there is no way you will not be quivering.

It is up to you to take that first quivering step and you will find that you are happy that you did. Fear makes you great because it does give you great strength.

Take what you can from my post, but use it well today tomorrow or even next year, but listen.

As usual, I will leave with this little wandering. Mind you it is not connected to the above written (non)sense. Before I forget, kindly berate this poem:

It claims my heart without asking,
But I give it free,
No pain, no pity and no longing.
But still the whisper is free.
It knows nothing of the wings;
the wings of lost and untamed fires,
For it claims without asking.

Thank you as always...and I owe you one whoever you are,

Samuel S. B. (The boy that uses his fear to chase his dreams to the end)